Tuesday, April 12, 2005

7 Months - and change

7 months.

I feel empty. I feel like I've lost direction. I feel unhappy. I feel like the whole world is ganging up on me. I feel like I'm a whole new person - a stranger.

I don't recognise myself anymore.

Can 7 months really make so much difference to a person? Can a person change so much in 7 months? Introspection. Like that helps!

7 months back:
1. I was the office clown.
2. I made a decision to stick to a certain company despite the pay being lousy and despite the fact that the work was even lousier.
3. I signed up to learn French.
4. I had trouble tying my hair in a pony-tail!
5. I stopped my Sunday morning football outings - my only source of wholesome sweaty physical exertion.
6. I became a privileged member of SOMEPLACE ELSE - more booze on the house!
7. I was just getting over the migration of my best pal and his wife and kid to hip 'n sunny California.
8. I was listening to HOOBASTANK, LINKIN PARK, EVANESCENCE, SLIPKNOT and other similar nu-metal/alternative bands.
9. I was partying at least twice a week (in Kolkata "twice a week" is majorly frequent!!).
10. I was merrily planning ahead for the Puja festivities - still a month-and-a-half away.
11. I was more vulgar and uncouth than a pimp from Dharavi.
12. I was vibrant and fun to be with.
13. I looked forward to spending time with friends, families and colleagues. I enjoyed socialising. I enjoyed dating.
14. I looked forward to each day with enthusiasm.
15. I was still searching for "THE ONE".
16. I was different.

7 months down the line:
1. I have stopped cracking jokes at office - I am not in the mood for clowning around these days.
2. I sometimes feel that my decision to stick to a certain company was wrong, despite the work now being interesting and my pay being a helluva lot better than what it was back then.
3. I still can't speak a friggin' fluent French sentence despite having gone through 3 semesters of elementary French these past 7 months. And I am about to start my 4th and final semester any day now!
4. I have hair so long that people mistake me for a woman when they see my pony-tail from behind.
5. I have grown so fat that even my underwear feels tight and if I walk too fast my bones ache all over. My engine is all fucked up.
6. I have cut down on booze and cigarettes - and SOMEPLACE ELSE too.
7. I have stopped missing my friends, because they don't miss me. Apparently.
8. I listen to KILLSWITCH ENGAGE, IN FLAMES, LACUNA COIL, CRADLE OF FILTH, DIMMU BORGIR, CHILDREN OF BODOM and other such death/black/goth/grind-core bands these days (and the other stuff I listened to as well, 7 months back) ... and I'm enjoying these extreme musical genres immensely.
9. I go out so infrequently these days that I've forgotten what the inside of a discotheque or a lounge bar looks like.
10. I have stopped making plans anymore - they never turn out properly anyway.
11. I hardly talk much these days - so in a way I have stopped being vulgar and uncouth - some improvement that!
12. I have stopped being a fun person to be with. Period.
13. I feel like taking a sword and decapitating a few people around. I feel like my colleagues either don't like me or don't take me seriously. I feel pissed off with everyone around me.
14. I don't look forward to the new day anymore - I think... nay, I know, I am stagnating. I want change.
15. I have stopped searching for "THE ONE".... she doesn't exist in my life-time.
16. I am different.

I'm a morose nut-case with violent tendencies.
I'm a wordly-wise individual frustrated with the system and his surroundings.
I'm an old foggie who can't keep pace with this mucked-up world.
I'm looking around for brighter days, for better times.
I'm searching for my old self. Please help me find him. Whoever you are. Please.

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